K13 Austin American-Statesman LIFE ARTS Sunday, November 30, 2003 Exciting news for the herring impaired A question that we have all asked ourselves hundreds of times is: How do herring communicate? I'm pleased to report that we may be getting closer to an answer, thanks to an important recent discovery by fish scientists. This discovery involves a i i 1 1 ''i I V't 1 J.J- TjiIi 3pnfiNiiwi Uii-t4'-- in. i rinr a PMdW M' "TWO 'rHf' v-vf! 1 LMAlftf REGAL CHECK IrClT DfECTORS: I liteL IivVV MBMCWUBQrtt oscwwswrm El wmml I PLAYING 1-B00-FANDANGO X684 DBCOTOCFTSACCEPTft; fi hTi (Jltl I I I I I 1 ii iLllJ fill I LVrf.mJgM h-A rr. i ii JzL i fl rVi ti A 7 tW WA EXCLUSIVE AUSTIN ENGAGEMENT 7 mm Qrt. NOW PLAYING! HSsS CHECK THEATRE OtRECTORlCS OH CALL FOR SHOWTIMES Awhm.
sorry no passes on discount tickets accepted. All GOOD STUFF 2 llVv i pn immmimimavipmmmmmmmim those situations where you think the topic is pretty funny, but the other person does not seem to be nearly as amused as you? That was what it was like for me, talking to Dr. Wilson about why herring break wind. I asked him if, by any chance, the wind-breaking herring happened to be males. Because if they were, that might explain it: It is a well-known scientific fact that human males deliberately break wind purely for the sense of accomplishment it gives them.
But Dr. Wilson said he was unaware of any correlation between the sex of the herring and the FRT noise. He also noted that it's difficult to tell male and female herring apart. Maybe that's what they're communicating about: "Hey, you want to mate?" "Sure! My name is Bob!" "Hey, my name is Bob, too!" "Uh-oh!" But whatever the herring are Dr. Wilson and his colleagues will get to the bottom (Har!) of it.
On behalf of humanity, I thank them, as well as any editors who actually published this column. bodily function that some readers may find distasteful to read about (even though I bet they Dave Barry Humor V.J Wi g-BUBBAHO-TEP 1005 I iwtr ICrnf mi iiMn.fcana AMaU YJ SSTMEnSSIIICA 1245350 710 1015 FSII Pf BTIf It ri'xWA 200 5 730 1020 I in" I MASTEIIi CCW 100 400 700 1000 i I RJi 1 I BA0 SANTA 135 435 745 1015 I I 4 k-i- WTTTl I LOSE WEIGHT 'lose 30 for the New Year" II' Pamela S. Delcambre, M.D. ALL SHOWS BEFORE 6 PM SS.25 AFTER 6 PM ADULTS S7.7S, STUDENTS WID S5.50, CHILDREN ft SENIOR CITIZENS $5.25 BROTHER BEAR 1 1:30 1:30 3:30 5:30 7:30 (G) TUPAC 9:30 (R THE MISSING 1:00 4:00 7:00 10.00 (R) GOTHIKA 12:30 2:50 5:10 7:30 9:45 (R) BAD SANTA 12:1 5 2:25 4:35 6:45 8:55 (R) HAUNTED MANSION 11:00 1:05 3:10 5:15 7:20 9:25 (PG) TIMELINE 11:152:104:457:15 10:10 (PG-1 3) SCARY MOVIE 3 12:00 2:15 4:30 7:00 9:15 (PG-1 3) 100NEY TUNES 1 1:40 1:50 4:20 (PG) MATRIX REVOLUTIONS 6:45 9:30 (R) CAT IN THE HAT 11:30 1:30 3:30 5:30 7:30 9:30 (PG) ELF 12:1 5 2:30 4:45 7:00 9:1 5 (PG) kU a HUMAN STAIN 140 410 705 1000 I JS I I I 3 I fcjj HM ijlj ShLOVEACtQmIY 1230 340 700 1005 i VX, iTU I lXl Vl 1 KsH HI II 'ilS S3MAIRKJ 415 740 1030 I'llWrm ,.,11 'ill I I I A I' I tg. sSgllVSnCRIVEP.
1250 705 I illfniimirm UMUJIaU-iiM 5 SCHOOL OF ROCK1400 1015 WM' 3gTIIIELINE 420 710 950 I lit 1 -tVl mv Lm yimMMX'! THE MIGHTY LIST I JACK BLACK I WTW-, i THORNTON 1519W.Koenig Ln. 454-7683 recording of herring making this mysterious noise. Isn't modern technology amazing? A hundred years ago, if you had told people that some day there would be a giant network of incredibly sophisticated "thinking machines" that would allow virtually anybody, virtually anywhere on Earth, to hear a herring cut the cheese, they would have beaten you to death with sticks. And they would have been right. Anyway, the herring on the Internet makes a high-pitched raspberry noise, which turns into a series of rapid ticks.
The herring research team has named this sound (I am still not making any of this up) a Fast Repetitive Tick, or FRT. The critical question now facing the scientific community is: WHY do herring break wind? Scientists quoted in the article speculate that the herring might be using these sounds which they make mainly at night to communicate with each other. This raises another question: What, exactly, would a herring need to communicate? I mean, we're talking about creatures with roughly the same IQ as a Tic-Tac. They are not down there discussing Marcel Proust. My guess is they're probably breaking wind to convey extremely simple messages such as: "Hey, it's dark!" "I know! The same thing happened last night!" you?" "A herring!" "Wow, that's amazing! I'm also a herring!" "Wow! I'm also a Yankees fan!" "Wow, that's amazing! I'm a Yankees fan as well!" etc.
I contacted one of the herring researchers, Dr. Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, Canada. When I reached him, he was on a ship off the coast of Alaska, doing research on sea lions. He is a thoughtful man with a British accent, and he sounded quite serious about the herr ingresearch. Have you ever been in one of pi- jt Kiniunn do it) so before I tell you what it is, here is WARNING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE OFFENDED BY THE PHRASE "BREAK WIND" The following paragraphs contain the phrase "break wind." So ifyoudon'twantto see the phrase "break wind," go read a classier part of the newspaper, such as the bridge column.
Although if you think bridge players don't break wind, you are clearly not aware of the origin of the word OK, now that we've gotten rid of Attorney General Ashcroft, iet's get to the amazing recent discovery that has fish scientists in such an uproar, which can be summarized in three words: Herring break wind. I swear I am not making this up. Many alert readers have sent me an article from the NewScientist.com news service, which begins with the following paragraph (I have omitted one naughty word that we cannot put in the newspaper): "Biologists have linked a mysterious, underwater (naughty word that rhymes with 'smarting') sound to bubbles coming out of a herring's anus. No fish had been known to emit sound from its anus nor to be capable of producing such a high-pitched noise." If you go on the NewScientist site (www.newscientist.com newsnews.jsp?idns99994343) you can actually hear a 195 I I I Iliiij lHiU'l i 1 1 1 yix i i from any roof I exp. 122403 I RfcGAL REGAL CtNEMAHK METROPOLITAN GATEWAY 16 TINSELTOWN USA IIPG43iMcwcmr.Nncm.
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Urn quality work in ceramics, wood, fiber, painting, ts DMT sculpture, paper, metal, jewelry, and photography. The Museum Store will sell the original Laguna Gloria holiday ornament and t-shirt, and the Driscoll 1 Villa will be open to visitors. TUTC WTVVV as i 11 The festival will be held, raW6fihe.ljLav .0 Saturday, November 29, 'Op. 1 j-V .1 11 v.j 1 1 -1 -r; J0 Sunday, NovembOrijgU Osra llde died in Paris. Festival Admisj) Children give up her seat orl All DraceeflsItoteTOWSAterf.city bus.
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